We have all seen the post from Constance Hall that made her an “overnight” (if 10 years of hard slog and writing is overnight) sensation about a moment with her husband.
More recently the post from Mel where they took the opportunity for a quickie …
Call it what you like parent sex, hallway sex (fuck you, no fuck you), a quickie, a root or whatever. It is something that is important in most relationships and for most of us it ebbs and flows, famine or feast – well it is for me in my marriage. This morning I felt the familiar snuggle and nudge in my back, it was about 5 minutes before the kids were due up for school, I had honestly woken up with a thumping headache, one of the dogs came and sat on my hip, and frankly I just didn’t feel up for it and the very last thing on my mind as I opened my eyes to start the day was sex. Sex is something that I need to ease into, something that I need to kind of actually get my head into the game with, something that I need to feel like.
The list of reasons why I am not up for it is long, complicated & quite boring really. I am almost certain that I not only gave birth to my babies I am fairly certain that I also delivered my libido. On top of that there are self esteem issues, the chronic exhaustion that seems to comes with children, depression (libido issues from the medication itself), children about to wake up or not going to sleep and nothing kills any potential mood quicker than waking up to something poking you in the small of the back or bum cheek wondering if there is a chance.
Unlike my Hubby I cannot just be ready at a moments notice. In fact I think he is constantly ready and honestly waking up to a penis in the back does not do it for me. Though he is most definitely letting me know that it must have been awhile and he is a bit keen for a little something, something. Somehow I will need to work out a way to make that happen, not quite sure when or how but I will.
If it has been a while or you just think a quickie might help keep you or your man happy. Remembering I am no expert apart from my 15yrs of marriage (which is also a nice way of saying I am absolutely shite at taking my own advice!) Here are my tips:
- Just do it!
As Nike would say. Sometimes the absolute last thing I feel like doing is having sex but equally being in a relationship (as much as I would like the world to revolve around me) is that it is not all about me. There is another person who’s needs and want to feel loved and close to you and they are just as important as you. Also, I often find I might not actually be up for it but once it has happened I always wonder why I am not up for it more often!
- Make time.
Look, let’s be honest as mum the truth is we rarely make time for anything! There are a million reasons for this but for the most part (unless you are one of those sickeningly organised people) we deal with the next thing that needs doing as it arises so to speak. Sex is sometimes one of those things that can very easily get lower and lower on the get it done list. If this is the case for you then perhaps it will work if you make time, put it on the calendar. Make sure barring unforeseen disasters you at the very minimum use some of the time to just remember who you are as a person and who you were before you were parents to all these people. Even if you don’t end up having sex sometimes just spending that time together with no distractions can be just as important.
- Get rid of the distractions.
Don’t know about you but with three kids in the house there are plenty of distractions and reasons to say no. I have always found it incredibly difficult to be in the mood when the kids are awake. All I can say is this only gets worse the older they get! You just get through the stage of them waking all night and you needing to settle them or put them back to bed and before you know it they are tweens and teens that stay up all night long! Sometimes you need to get rid of the kids and any other distractions so you can get the deed done without freaking out that they might walk in on you in the act. Honestly, this is one of my biggest hangups.
- Forget about all your hangups.
I have so many hangups honestly there are really too many to list. The thing is that for all of the hangups I have about myself, my Hubby doesn’t notice or honestly doesn’t care about any one of them. He loves me regardless of what I am wearing (or not), stinky morning breath, grey hair etc. I might not love myself in my own skin but he does, so I need to put my hangups aside.
This is up there with just do it! Sometimes all that is needed is a quick release of tension and everyone can go back to normal. Even when you are cranky with each other a quickie can actually help by releasing all those cranky hormones and then filling your brain with happy ones. Then you forget why you were cranky in the first place.
- Be adventurous
Sex doesn’t always need to take place in the bedroom. There are plenty of other places to find time together and that might be the bathroom especially if there is a lock on the door! Play games, take time to build things up, spend time sending messages to each other throughout the day if it is date night. Most importantly enjoy it.
- If all else fails get help!
If you need to get outside help. No, not that kind of outside help you dirty buggers! Well maybe that kind of help. Get a movie to watch or some toys to play with see if that changes things between you if there is still no action in the bedroom, then maybe go to your GP and perhaps get a referral to a couples therapist. Perhaps there are reasons that it isn’t happening for you and getting help is not a sign of failure. There is a great book that can really help in this area “Rekindling: Your Relationship after Childbirth” by Martien Snellen. If reading is more your thing then look this up.
Being a woman, partner, mum and all the other things that we have going on in our lives can be complicated. Sometimes we forget how important we are to someone else and they just want to show us how important we are. Equally there is something that always sticks in my brain and for the life of me I don’t know who said it, “Women need to feel loved to have sex, Men on the other hand need sex to feel loved.” We are wired differently, our brains work differently. In a relationship things swing in roundabouts and sometimes you want it more than he does or he will want it more than you do. Trying to coordinate out of sync libidos and keep everyone happy can be tricky, sometimes though for everyone’s happiness it can help to put all of the reasons why not and start focussing on the why to!
In the meantime I am off to work out a way to get it happening in this house.
Linking up with Karin, Paula and Sammie for the Ultimate Rabbit Hole #80.