Life

my cloak of invisibility

We live in a world where we are often defined by what we do, who we are, if we earn an income and on. Basically it is all about what you put into society and if you are not putting into society preferably by earning an income then you must be a drain on society.

Slowly, over time the longer it takes for me to “get better”, “be more functional”, “contribute”, the more invisible I feel. Of course this is not helped by the self talk telling me that I am not worthy, not loveable, not enough so the more invisible I become. Rationally, objectively I know that I am loveable, I am worthy, I am enough, it is tiring though trying to drown out the negative noise to find the good. When I try to tell family or friends how I am feeling they tell me that it is silly to feel that way because of course it isn’t true. I know they are right, it doesn’t however, help to drown out the noise.

If you can imagine being caught in a rip and you know that the right thing to do is to relax go with it and you will pop out. What we do however, is fight against it until we are so tired we feel like we might drown. That is a little like being in my mind fighting against the feelings of invisibility and the negative thoughts but it just gets so very tiring, exhausting in fact, so sometimes it is just easier to slip into invisibility than to fight against it.

It is very easy to become invisible in our world, especially today in the world of social media, online banking, shopping etc. It is possible to completely live your life and be totally invisible.

The struggle for me is that I don’t want to be invisible. I want to contribute, I want to feel like I am making a difference, I want to do all of the things that I have done in the before. This time I want to make sure that I am doing the things for me and to meet my needs.  This of course is the challenge because I don’t know what I need, I don’t know what I want to do and I don’t really know who I am outside of being a daughter, a wife and a mother. It sounds like such an exciting thing to have all this possibility to essentially re-invent yourself, and I am sure it would be if you knew who you wanted to be. For me it is a terrifying prospect, I don’t know who I am now so I don’t know what or who I want to be me.

I know that I am not invisible to my family and close friends (and even acquaintances it would seem) and I know that I make a difference in their lives but we can never truly know our impact past our immediate sphere of influence. Yesterday these were the things that I was sitting with and trying to work through with my therapist. I found it really confronting to face these feelings head on. So I had a long challenging day after that appointment.

Not long after dinner I found out that I had been gifted some tickets to a concert that I had been dying to see but was out of our price range. I was shocked because I really believed that there were other more deserving people than me. I don’t say this to be self-deprecating I know there are others who could do with a lift just as much if not more than me. What I discovered through the process of these tickets is that even though I feel like I am invisible and my record keeps telling me all the things I can tangibly see that these things aren’t true.

I am here, I am still fighting this monster and I will keep fighting, I do make a difference and I am important. I just need to remember this in those moments when I feel most invisible.

Remember you might feel like you are nothing or not making a difference but to one person you could be the world and everything they need. We can never really measure our impact on others but if we just be our true selves and are kind that is the very best we can ever do.

In the meantime I am off to try and work out where to from here oh and to get ready for Dixie Chicks!

love and hugs 

Cat xoxo 

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