I don’t just mean happy, I meant deliriously, fearlessly, stupidly, blissfully happy.  You know that happiness that comes from being carefree, having no worries, knowing there is nothing that needs doing.  You can just sit back chill and enjoy.

You know what I had to really think hard about this to find a time when I felt like this.  Sure I have had moments fleeting that have come and gone of happiness like my wedding day, the birth of my children, time out with friends, holidays.  They are snapshots in time they are short-lived and then the reality of life bites me on the bum.

I tried to search the memory banks to a time that I really felt that carefree happiness.  It was when I was really little.  It was a time when we moved from Australia to Fiji.  We lived in Suva for a short time when I was 9-11yrs old.  I think back on that time and I loved it.

We had a beautiful life.  We went to school.  Things were really very carefree.  Well for me as a child they were.  We did things like swim club, we had a sailing boat, we went to resorts for holidays, we went to the Fiji club on Friday afternoons for Chapmans (lemon, lime and bitters!) We spent lots of time with friends, we went to Hindii weddings, celebrated diwali with friends, learnt how to eat curry with our fingers.  Met some amazing people whom I am still friends with now over 35 yrs later!  I don’t remember missing home though I am sure I did desperately.  I am certain I probably didn’t even want to go in the first place!  I am positive my parents would tell a very different story about my memories of life in Fiji.

The thing for me is that life really changed when we came home.  I started high school at 11, which was normal for the time but boy I look at my twins who are 11 this year and I  can’t imagine my girls going to high school in two years time let alone next year!  That first year of high school was really, really tough for me.  I developed a whole load of unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with having no friends, being awkward and bullied for a big period of that year.  Finally I was fitting in so stupidly I went and changed schools only to in a different way have to learn to fit in all over again.

There are lots of patterns to my life that I can see looking back at a big picture as an outsider looking in reflecting on times, places and events.  I am sure we all develop lots of different coping mechanisms some healthy some not so much.

I think we also try to chase that elusive happiness too.  Whether it be trying to re-capture our youth by seeing a band we love or re-creating a day out with friends to have those feelings again.

I am not sure we can chase happiness in the sense of things, events, moments in time.  Sure we can look back and have fond memories of those happenings but when we place all our happiness eggs in the external bucket it can be very hard to capture it.  I am learning that to find that really deep sense of happiness and peace I am actually chasing I need to look inwards.

In the meantime I think I will go and search the pantry for some chocolate because if chocolate can’t help me feel happy there’s very little hope really!


Linking up with Essentially Jess for ibot

0 Replies to “When were you last happy?”

  1. Chasing happiness is such a loaded phrase – it seems to imply that you will only find your happiness around the next corner – a few steps further. What about right here and now? How do you feel? I ask myself these days every day: are you having fun? If not, I work to change things immediately. Mind you, I do keep a closer eye on myself these days because I have experienced depression in the past and I am keen not to let myself fall that far again. I must agree with you though – chocolate sure does wonders!

    1. You are so right Emily, sadly at the moment I am in the grips of yuck depression so it is hard to enjoy even the little things. That said I try everyday to find something that is joyful such as the sun shining (because I am much more of a summer gal!) or being able to have the skills to make myself yummy muffins, or the ability to knit and crochet to calm down. There are so many things to be thankful and joyous for sometimes it is really hard to see through the haze. xoxo

  2. I happen to have some medicinal chocolate in my desk drawer at work 🙂 The past few years have been stressful to cover basic needs for me, so I am only just finding myself the free time to be happy again this year.

    1. Medicinal chocolate in the desk drawer I love it. It is hard when you are chasing just your basic needs. I hope that this year is a better year for you Vanessa! I am still struggling with a few things but hopefully I will start getting some clarity this year too. It took a long time to bury myself in the hole so a slow steady way out has to be better in the long run (at least that is what i tell myself!) xoxo

  3. I think you nailed it when you said to find real happiness, you have to look inwards. Once you can find it in yourself, you can take it with you whatever path you’re on. I hope the chocolate hit the spot!

    1. You do yes Karin, sometimes I think though happiness is really elusive and when you (me I mean) are battling anxiety/depression it can be hard to see a choice for anything except just living. It is a process but it’s all good.

  4. Have you heard of the book called The Happiness Trap? It’s a pretty simple book but it talks about the ever elusive pursuit of happiness and how it impacts our life negatively. The techniques that he talks about in the book have really helped me too.

    1. Reading it at the moment Tegan my psych gave it to me. The hardest problem for me is that I have no short term memory so what i read today I have forgotten by the time I wake up in the morning! I am trying though xoxo

  5. I think for me happiness is very closely tied with contentment and an absence of anxiety. It’s hard to escape the feeling that things must be done. I find being at the beach tends to put things in perspective for me.

  6. Great post! Your time in Suva sounds magical! I try to find a little happy moment in each day. It’s really only Christmas and Easter I find myself being carefreely happy. In those times I feel it’s because I’m looking at the day with all the wonder of a child. You’ve certainly made me think!

    1. I will have to find the most amazing photo of the moon that my Dad took one Easter we were living in Fiji. We were all heading off very, very early to a resort and the moon was still up this photo is one of my favourite.

  7. I think being happy is a choice. I choose to be content and choose to be joyful and happy – despite what happening around me. It’s not an always easy choice though. And I do flounder when life becomes overwhelming and difficult. Having said that I’m very happy when I eat chocolate. So I won’t be giving that up anytime soon. 🙂

  8. Interesting question. My first instinct was to say I’m pretty happy all the time (which is true) – but deliriously giddily happy??! That’s a bit rarer! I sometimes get it at the beach … or when on holidays. Actually, I remember now. Hubster and I went antiquing a couple of weekends ago and I felt like that then, we had a wonderful time together!

    Visiting from #teamIBOT x

  9. Cathy, I can’t remember when I was last deliriously, fearlessly, stupidly, blissfully happy. It must have been a long, long time ago though. I know that I’m a lot more uptight than I used to be because I went to a fair thingy with a girlfriend a while back and there was a band playing and a dance floor and she said “oh I love this song, let’s go dance” (gee those words brought back some memories!). Do you know it’s been so long since I’d danced on a dance floor. Like really dance where you let go, felt the music and move in rhythm to the music without feeling inhibited? I gave it a red hot try but nah – I couldn’t really let go. I want to be able to let go on a dance floor like I used to. I want to feel deliriously, fearlessly, stupidly, blissfully happy again because I remember it felt pretty darn good whenever it was I last felt that way! PS. I bloody love chocolate! xo

  10. It can be elusive, can’t it. Sometimes I think maybe that totally carefree happy is only for children but it is something I hope to recapture someday if only for a few moments at a time, I’ll take what I can get and then be happy with the more mundane happy the rest of the time!. Sorry to hear that thinks are a bit tough at the moment. x

  11. You are definitely on the right path with the inner search. Although I think they fond memories can be a nice guide when searching inwards. What we loved as kids may be what we’ve lost touch of now, but what is really what our soul craves. Nice to find your blog.

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