Life has been a limbo land for a little while me. I have felt a bit like I am not quite here or there, in that place between hither and yon. I am not sure why that is but I have some suspicions.
Recently I finished up with my psychologist, this was a two fold situation she was a final yr clinical placement student which was something I knew when she took over my care, but she was also pregnant. So even if the department had decided to keep her on she was heading off on maternity leave, which meant that there was no option to stay under her care. This meant that I actually had no-one overseeing my care for a little while which was a little daunting.
I hadn’t seen my psychiatrist for a while and that appointment rolled around during the last holidays. The kids were sick for what felt like an eternity but what that means is that sanctuary of time and space I get during the day doesn’t happened.
There was some news during the holidays which was devastating and brings a whole load of memories flooding back for me, memories that I try to keep pushed aside because I need to otherwise sometimes those memories make it just far to hard too function. I also had news that a dear, dear friend has had a recurrence of her cancer and frankly that makes me angry. Of course it makes me feel sad but mostly it makes me angry because frankly cancer just sucks. It is indiscriminate, it is insidious and sometimes no mater how hard you fight it is a battle that you can’t win. That said I am sure my mate will not go down without a fight. She is one of the toughest chicks I know and cancer won’t get her easily.
So where does that leave me?
My Dr has fiddled with my medication and in doing that there were some potential side effects that seem to be playing out at least in my head. How long I leave them before I call him to discuss the side effects I am not sure. But for now I feel like I am watching the world happen instead of taking part in the world which is a very strange feeling.
The kids eventually got back to school leaving me with their parting gift of bronchitis. So it is crazy horse tablet size antibiotics to knock it on the head, but I have managed to pull the muscles down the right back side of my ribs. It is most likely the location of the scar tissue from my liver op, so the constant coughing is not only annoying but also quite painful, which then means I am holding my side when I am coughing and trying very hard to concentrate on my pelvic floor and wondering if I have done enough exercises to cope with yet another coughing fit or whether this will be the one where I realise that no amount of pelvic floor exercises will help with LBL* after three kids.
They also went back to school and brought home a note that announced they needed to take a plate to school for morning tea the next day for Grandparents day at the school. As much as this threw a spanner in my day (because it wasn’t shopping week and I had no idea what I would bake), the girls love taking a plate that I have pulled together to school. So I looked through the pantry and made up a cake with the ingredients I had in the cupboard (the quantities are seriously all I had!)
Now I find myself spending my days watching my life play out a little like a tv show and trying to rein in some of the flying thoughts racing through my mind. I busy my hands with some knitting, I have found the most divinely soft and fine merino wool that I am turning into a few creations for friends. Knitting or crochet for me is a little like smoking it gives me something to do with my hands while I am sitting. It is also the perfect activity to be able to take anywhere!
I am also following along with Denise who has so generously put together a 30 day program to #reinventyourself. Each day Denise has set a few little tasks that take no more than 15mins to look at yourself, reflect on where you are, where you want to be and how you might make that happen. This is a perfect guided exercise for me to take 15 mins to see if where I think I want to be is where I should be aiming. Each day I am sharing Denise’s posts on fb but you could always follow Denise’s blog directly if this is something you would want to do.
In amongst all this I am trying to find a regular space to write, some days this happens some days it doesn’t. The most important thing with my writing is to know my why and that is something I am still really working on. Denise’s daily exercises are really helping me find my why. I am also working hard to remind myself everyday that even if no-one reads what I write “I am a writer.”
That place between hither and yon isn’t really a fun place to be but it is the place that I find myself for now. I know I won’t be stuck here forever treading water in wet cement with a head full of cotton wool but until it sets or I find a way out it is where I will be. I will look for the little gems in each day, the little or big moments to hold onto until I am no longer in limbo land. And just in case you find yourself in limbo land between hither and yon, know you are not alone, just give me a shout out I’d love to sit with you and keep you company as we find our way out.
Until then I will eat cake, knit, create, and write to get me through.
* LBL = Light bladder leakage!
Linking with Essentially Jess & Kylie Purtell for #ibot