I’ve got to say that in the last 18mths I have been pretty blessed because I have a few people in my life who supported me through thick and thin. My hubby he has stood by me, he is there for me no matter what. But I still hide my worst from him, I hide the tears and the feelings of worthlessness, I hide behind a smile because it is easier. But honestly I shouldn’t hide because they saw me at my worst exposed, with no place to hide, with all my faults and f*&k ups out on display. They picked me up and let me know that I was not the sum of all the mistakes but that it was a small part of a very large story that is my life, that is not over yet.
I fight hard every day to hold on and to remind myself that I am far more than the sum of my mistakes and shitty behaviour. I fight hard every day to push through the pain and the deep ache that comes with feeling like a burden and completely useless. I fight hard every day to cling to the ledge that is holding me just out of the water, mud and dirt that could collapse on top of me at any moment and bury me under the weight of failure and depression in every aspect of my life.
The thing is I have a few ‘Robs’ in my life in addition to my Hubby and for that I know that I have riches that cannot be measured. One day I hope to be able to pay them back for all that they did or at the very least live a life that makes them not question their decision to be my person.
I know that I am really only part way into my recovery and that in fact I have more days where I feel the world is far too much rather than not enough for me. I am still fighting to hold on. I may seem like I can do the happy and all that goes with that but truly it is killing me little by little. Numb would almost come as sweet relief from the pain that I feel. I will keep holding on, I will keep doing, I will stay here and one day the pain will give way to numb and then I will know that I am getting better. I will know that I am on my way to finding my way out again.